Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Christmas is just the disneyfication of christianity.

Time has no divisions to mark its passage, there is never a thunderstorm or blare of trumpets to announce some special day. It is only we mortals who ring bells and fire off pistols.

I can see fireworks way too often through my window, even in summertimes. why? I have lost all the excitement about new years eve now. There`s nothing special about it anymore. It used to be the fireworks at midnight that everyone were waiting on new years eve. And even then they start firing too early, you can hear bangs several hours earlier. drives me mad!
And the christmas!!! I`m glad it`s only few days away, so now everone could calm down with this madness. They started it in the end of october!!! christmas songs, christmas shopping, christmas decoration, christmas christmas christmas.....
I´m not really against all that. I just think that the holiest of all days are those kept by ourselves in silence and apart; the secret anniversaries of the heart.

But to all of you who happen to read this - I wish you can spend christmas with the close ones you love, and celebrate the new year`s eve in the greatest way among greatest people!!

(it MIGHT be my last post, as this blog was actually one of the assignments for my "computer assisted journalism" course. It`s over now, and I`m not sure whether I should continue with it or not.)

All the best to you all!!!

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Zebra doesn`t help

From the early childhood a child is taught how to get about in traffic. You must always wait for the green light and follow the zebra! But no-one knows what is right anymore, there are more and more car accidents everyday. Cars are killing people when they try to cross the road following zebra,which is supposed to be the safe way. Even when the green light is on for the pedestrian. Number of accidents involving little children crossing roads has been highly increasing.
Drivers are still not careful enough, and ofcourse many of them don`t really care if a pedestrian wants to cross the road or not. Standing on side of the road, on zebra crossing, you can wait a long time before any car stops to let you through. I`ve had several situations where I was almost hit by a car. Roads with more than one line are especially dangerous, the first-line car notices and stops while the second-line car is questionable and so on. Every day can be the "judgment day". Scary! you have to take your chances by simply crossing roads.

"So many gods, so many creeds...so many paths that wind and wind.."

Ministry of education is seriously considering to add Religion as a subject to highschools` obligatory programm. Teachers and government approve, students strongly disapprove. Religion is such a fragile subject to discuss. And hence I think it can only be optional but perhaps not obligatory.
I studied in a highschool where it was compulsory to study religion. I have other things to believe in rather than God. So I was quite annoyed because of that. Luckily we had a very neutral teacher and the subject just covered the general beliefs of different religions. We weren`t pushed to believe in anything.
But I still think that a person will study the given subject independently if one is intereseted in it. And a student with a strong belief in some religion can feel very frustrated in class while discussing other ways of beliefs. And everything also depends on the teacher.

Ministry should be really careful with such a decision. (perhaps: "yes to teaching religion, no to religious propaganda")

something positive!

To be honest I think this blog has somehow influenced me. I´ve become more sad myself. So I will allow myself to add here something positive.

There`s a show on Estonian tv channel called " The glory of Estonia". It`s a show where they honor the people who have voluntarily helped Estonian society. For instance, there are so many of them who are trying to help homeless, who have saved lives, and so on. I`m glad that the channel is doing something like that.
I have a friend who does charity. He supports disabled children. On his birthday he told in advance to all his guests that instead of presents they should put the money (that was meant for presents) on the bank account of two boys in wheelchairs. They each got about 11 thousand krouns thanks to that birthday party. One of the boys could buy a new wheelchair now, which he badly needed.
I´m happy that there really are people, selfless people, who care a lot about others, help them, and don`t want anything in return.

(ignore this post)

it`s saturday, it`s 1 AM, no it`s not saturday anymore, it`s sunday now, it`s raining, I´m eating potato chips, thinking about the amount of studying I should do, exams, one guy stepped on my foot today and didn`t apologise, I`m stuck in Estonia, I don`t have a job, grrrrr...and the money, my day was pointless, I was wet when I got home, my camera is broken, I lost so many good photos that I wanted to add in my blog( I have to sart adding images from the net), I feel so blue :( , I`ve lost a day....

(huuh, I got it out of myself, I can go on now)

Saturday, December 10, 2005


There is one saying in Estonian "lapsesuu ei valeta", meaning that childs mouth doesn`t lie. It`s quite true.
I happend to over hear one interesting conversation. It was between two little russian children, a boy and a girl, both about 6 years old.
* * *
girl: "do you know what `sex´ means?"
boy: "yes"
girl: "it`s the same as fucking, hi-hi-hiii !" (sorry for swearing but that`s what she said)

girl: "have you ever had sex?"
boy: "yes, once in a kindergarten"
* * *

I guess it was just little kids exploring their sexuality and it`s not wrong. But I was just shocked about the words they used. They learn it from people they are surrounded with. And I´ve heard it myself (too many times) how carelessly parents can talk around their children. And that`s sad!

To whose profit???

Our country is dependant on every following generation. Most of the work has to be done by parents who bring their children up. A child needs parental support in every first step of one`s way. I suppose the saying "a child is a fire to be lit" sounds right, but it seems that our lawmakers took it word by word by giving 12-year-olds the right to train firing from a real gun. Is that wise? Maybe it depends on each specific individual if one is mature enough to take it in his hands, but I think it shouldn`t be generalised for everyone.

Few years ago a 10-year-old accidentaly killed himself from a sports gun.
Children are unstable, especially boys who like fooling around with everything.

If it`s not allowed for a 15-year-old to drive a car not even with assistance, then it`s not rational and not safer to give dangerous guns in the hands of a 12-year-old. They should be enjoying their childhood at that age and get ready for teenage, explore themselves. Are we preparing for somekind of a war? Do we need to enlarge Estonian army on account of children?
I wish they reconsidered..

Friday, December 09, 2005

mathematics isn`t always rational

I forgot to add to the previous post that apparently there`s been a calculation of an average salary in Estonia. And it`s 7000 krouns. The Government was so pleased to announce that salaries have been increasing this year. Well everyone knows now who`s salaries are increasing and thanks to what they get this higher average...but obviously this higher average salary does not refer to average people.

your job is to be homesick!

EU has come up with this genious idea how to increase salaries of our ministers. If working outside of country, they pay a compensation for being homesick. That`s no joke. The amount of the compensation is 15% of a salary. So, for instance our vice president of European Commission Siim Kallas gets accordingly to his monthly 300 000 salary 45 thousand krouns extra. It`s not all ofcourse, he also gets 8000 krouns for every member of his family...and some other things. anyway he gets 66 000 extra every month.Well...I guess you all know what I´m thinking right now. They shouldn`t say such things out loud in media. People are gonna feel so low.. this guy can get a new car every month if he wanted, or buy a huge house in a year without any bankloans. Just drives the average person mad.

it`s absurd!

Monday, December 05, 2005

"british stags UNwanted!!! "

Very popular topic at the moment - more and more places put up that kind of notices on their doors. Seems a bit cruel, but it`s true. Tallinn is a cheap place for brits to celebrate stagparties. I remember when I was working as a waitress. It was unbearable what kind of mess and noise they made. They also think that they can get all the women here. Sorry guys, from where I stand, our local men are far more desired. (With every kind of exceptions ofcourse, sadly)

"To do nothing and get something, formed a boy`s ideal of a manly career" - Benjamin Disraeli

I was in a nightclub on friday. This brittish guy started talking to me. I tried to avoid him, but couldn`t escape. We started talking and it came out that he was actually a very pleasant person. It was comfortable to talk to him. To my own surprise I told him about my life, about how hard it is to find a proper job, about my goals in life, about what I want to achieve. And you know...with the next sentence he just really pissed me off : "well find yourself a rich man like most young Estonian ladies do". I just laughed, said bye, and walked away.
Is it really that kind of reputation we, Estonian women, have?

Those who stand for nothing, fall for anything..

Sunday, December 04, 2005

friends 4ever

On my way home, through the crowded center town, I saw 2 guys standing against the wall, right next to each-other, talking, laughing, and peeing... like dogs, marking their area. So that few years from now, walking by that place, they could fall into memories "that`s the place where me and my best friend were peeing together" awwww....true friends.
Another childish image created by male representers. I`ve never seen women peeing on streets. Why is that? (no-one should feel offended by that, only if the person is one of those place markers on the streets where I walk everyday). That kind of images also create our reputation in the eyes of foreigners...

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Andrea: "unhappy the land that has no heroes". Galileo: "No. Unhappy the land that needs heroes".

I just happend to watch an intriguing Estonian talk show called Kahvel (fork). They had a guest who was a fireman. He told everything about firemen`s lives - things they have to witness everyday, rigths they don`t have (to protest or strike for example), and their low salaries. The numbers are really ridiculous. He earns 4380 krouns (net) a month!!!!! Minus monthly taxes, which leaves less than 3000 for everyday expenses. And he has a wife and 2 children.
He also said that a lot of fire fighters work on two places, mostly as builders and taxidrivers. These men are our rescuers. Where is this country headed???? one day they are just not gonna be there when the fire takes off...

unbelievably unbelievable

government made a gift to our prime minister, a German Brockhaus`s encyclopedia comprising 30 volumes. The reference book costs 40 000 krouns. It`s meant to help this important man with his speeches and communication scills. The gift also includes over 4000 audio recordings like voices of animals for example.
Well, let me remind you the numbers of salaries of the people working in medical, educational, salvage services, etc. I mentioned them earlier in "can`t bear very much reality". those workers should work about 8 months without expenditure to be able to afford that kind of thing. Doesn`t the government have anything better to do with the money. Whenever some organisation needs governmental support the answer is mostly the same, the state budget doesn`t have enough money.
Does prime minister really have the time for discovering that masterpiece well enough to make him wiser... I believe all that kind of information is also available in internet these days. Some public school would make much more use of that unbelievable encyclopedia.

Monday, November 21, 2005

money doesn`t talk, it swears - Bob Dylan

Our government is planning to increase tuition fees in universities. The purpose is to bring up the reputation of Estonian educational level and keep students from leaving their home country. Hey, you, men sitting in chairs of power! Have you ever been a student and having to take bank loans? a student maybe, but apparently not in need for loans. And if otherwise, then you should know that it will make even harder for families to educate their children. Oh, banks will be so pleased, they can make the loans higher and get more clients coming in. juhuuu!! I guess there`s not enough families who will be paying their debts for the rest of their lives; there`s not enough poverty in this country; there`s not enough young people who can`t afford higher education. It`s almost equal to study in other Eu countries, don`t you think that higher tuition fees will push even more youth away from home? Anyway, I´m one of those students who has taken loans from a bank and I am planning to leave Estonia. To earn money for school (I can`t watch my parents going crazy when counting those big sums) and also to live normally apart from school,because it`s not possible to earn good money next to studies. All you can count on in this country is you, yourself and your ego. Work, work harder, earn money , pay taxes, but don`t hope do get anything back, no way! oh yeah, sorry, I forgot, there`s gonna be higher educational level!

serial killer wannabe

last week they arrested a saw maniac. As strange as it seems, a 74-year-old man was apparently sawing in branches on the cemetary so that maybe later they would fall on people. He was doing that for quite a long time. The town offered 10 000 krouns for the one who`s information helps to catch the crazy person (as we know, they can`t do it on their own....so let`s spend a bit money to make people talk).... I should shut up, shouldn`t I.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Can`t bear very much reality

In this country, the ones who study and work for government and get most important responsibilities, have to face the lowest salaries.For example...I have a friend who graduated from the academy of domestic defence (Sisekaitseakadeemia)..now she`s working as an investigator in a police department and she gets only about 6000 (gross) a month.. so of that she sees about 4500 (net). The last popular news is bribe taking among traffic officers! And government is soooo surprised?!

Did you know that paramedics` ambulance cardrivers get only 3500 krouns a month. Therefore most of them work also as taxidrivers. So there`s always a possibility, that, when you are taken to hospital in an ambulance car, the driver is exhausted from last night`s taxidriving. Better to let your mom to take you to the hospital, or call a taxi...

what about teachers who hold the education of our children in their hands. They get about 5000. It`s almost impossible to find a math, physics,chemistry teacher when the former one retires. it`s especially problematic in smaller towns. And the government is worried about the future of education because there`s less and less young people who are willing to study teaching. so why the hell don`t you do anything about it?

And I`m not gonna even mention the loss of doctors in our country!

I was waitressing for some time..I didn`t have higher education...and I earned much more (plus tips). Where`s the rationality?! the wiser you are the less you get from it? one is sure..I´m never gonna work in civil service!!!

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

based on true story

some troublesome facts from an article about Estonian healthcare. Who can read Estonian and is interested: http://www.ettk.ee/et/kommentaarid/2005/09/item21637 . For others a short overview:

  • deathrate caused by heart- and haemal diseases 3 times higher than EU average;death from cancer, a third higher; number of men dying from exogenous causes- 4 times higher; number of women dying from endocervical- and breast cancer - 3 times higher
  • from our 5000 doctors every 5th is over-60-year-old
  • in EU the ideal norm is 1 nurse per 100 people. in Estonia there`s 1 nurse per 225 people.
  • salary in finnish medical sphare is 7 times higher than in estonia (I wonder where have all the doctors gone)

therefore in Estonia we have the longest waiting times ever just to get to see a doctor - people have to wait for their ear-nose-throat surgeries for 2 years; queues to specialists are several months longer than they were few years ago.

Quite sad, isn`t it!

nock-nock...is anyone home?!

I just read an article about a survey that was made among Estonian citizens, that also includes non-Estonians. And to be honest, it made me furious.
The main question of the research was "did you like the life in Soviet Union more than now?". And guess what, half of the non-Estonians found the life to be better under Russian power. A THIRD of Estonians agreed with that half. I mean...people...don`t you remember? I´m still very young, but I do remember. I remember standing in a very long line with a food stamp..to get the last bread. I remember my grandma telling me she was in jail...just in case... Don`t you remember that people were deportated to Siberia?
I mean...I`m half Russian and I have nothing against Russia itself...but really...come on people!

I feel insulted.. (and just in the last post I was explaining how desperately you would need help with learning our language... damn)

broaden your world

I just remembered how I once happend to visit a third biggest town of Estonia - Narva, situated in eastern part, next to Russian boarder. Anyway...I entered one shop and asked for a pack of gum in Estonian language. To my big surprise the salesperson didn`t understand a word of it and asked me to repeat it in Russian...

Estonians who have been to some Lasnamäe`s (city district of Tallinn) little basement stores, visited some wierd looking bar in Kopli (also a part of the town) or visited Narva...they know that you can`t deal there with Estonian language. It`s an everlasting problem of our country.
I´m not blaming them for not knowing the language (ofcourse the younger generation should learn it at school), but it`s also a fault of our government. Studying Estonian has become extremely expensive. it`s a known fact that Russians, who don`t speak EStonian, have very low salaries. So ofcourse they can`t afford any language courses.

there`s 75 000 workers in Tallinn , with Russian background and not speaking Estonian. All of them have to face the same problems - lack of money and fear to fail the exam, because the government is not the one who pays for language courses. And because of that most of them don`t even try to take that step.

I think that we should give the people, who wish to learn our language, a compensation for studies. It will make their life here easier and also help us to keep our official language.In that way Russians will understand us better and perhaps the anger between nations will decrease, because at this point Russians and Estonians are fighting with each-other like white and black people, blaming other in racism. If there`s something we could do about it, then this is something that would work - free language courses.

Limits of one`s language means the limits of one`s world.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Eastside story..

Oscar Wilde: "We are each our own devil and we make this world our hell"

I spent this weekend in eastern-Estonia. The part of the country, which is populated mostly by russians,where the cruelest crimes happen, where all streets look so miserable. And that is not said in a rassist way, cuz I´m myself half russian,these are just the facts.

The words of O.Wilde are just the right ones to describe that part of Estonia. The only difference is that people living in that hell don`t really see it like that. Even more, it`s absolutely normal to live that way.
Teenage girls giving birth and not graduating from highschools, boyfriends beating them up; looking out of the window you can see little children running around in dirty clothes, spitting everywhere, taking adults as an example; A lot of old dirty and stinking men drinking on streets 24h a day; homeless pets running around everywhere; youth gathering in basements for smoking and taking drugs; third grade boys drinking alcohol during breaks; schoolparties (if they are not forbidden yet) ending with deadly knifewounds.......I can go on and on.....all that is so normal in everyday life in eastern part of towns.

I know all that...because I have lived in it for sometime.... And yet the place I lived in is quite little,with population of about 2500. And people who are not hoping anything from life will stay there till the day they die and while alive... they create hell for themselves and for their offsprings.

Sunday, October 16, 2005


I forgot to add another documentary that I`ve seen myself and which is really worth watching. "Eve and Dawn" is made by Tarmo Rajaleid, graduate from our school (International University Concordia Audentes). "There is goodness in the world.... human story about two women who are contrary just like eve and dawn"..
Like I already said, I`ve seen the film and highly recommend others to watch it when you get a chance. You can see the free preview of the film by clicking "tasuta eelvade" on https://www.itv.ee/portal/filmid.aspx?id=3205 or if you wish to see the full film it costs you 18 krouns by clicking VAATA 18kr.( it`s with english subtitles) I can assure you, the documentary is amazing, full of unbelievable things.

Saturday, October 15, 2005


Apparently a finnish channel Yle 2 has made a documentary called "Poverty in Estonia". Film`s editor is Andres Raid. As the title says, the film talks about poverty in Estonia. And not only about Estonians who are not coping with their incomes. The main theme is mental poverty. There`s many out-of-the-know(so called " mentaly poor")-people sitting next to authorities holding the power, thanks to who`s wrong desicions the rate of citizens in penury is increasing. Raid himself is in one of the political parties of Estonia now. He`s commentary to that is : "there`s nothing you can do without taking part in politics."
I haven`t seen the film yet, but I will try to find it from somewhere. If any one has already seen it, I`d be glad to hear your commentaries.

Friday, October 14, 2005


A bit off-topic... and on the other hand, not.. depends on the interpretation.

I wanted to take a walk in this beautiful autumn, I headed to old town.
It was quiet, or maybe it`s just me shutting myself off the street noises. It was sad and full of excellence at the same time.
Somehow people manage to see frustration rather than beauty in this time of year. Just put on warm clothes and go out there!And if you have, take a camera with you... then you`ll see.
(When you happen to visit Tallinn, take your time to discover those lonely sreets of the old town. And if you get a chance, enter any of museums.. get the feeling of how Estonians lived through history)
I took out my camera and this was what i saw. This beautiful silence.

I like what Georg Elliot said about silence:
"If we had a keen vision and feeling of all ordinary human life, it
would be
like hearing the grass grow and the squirrel`s hearts beat, and we should die of that roar which lies on the other side of silence."

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Poverty on streets

One can be young and without money but not old and without it. You can see poverty reflecting mostly on elderly people in Estonia. Lets take beggars on the streets of Tallinn for example, only few of them are youngsters, the ones who have given up and need money for drugs. Others mostly old and don`t have enough financial support for buying food.
The woman on the photo was begging for money in front of the shopping center. She noticed me taking pictures with my camera and asked me to take few of her. I did, and she was so exited about it, like no one has ever taken a photo of her. I really like this portrait, she made an effective model.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Life`s not just being alive...

Being well is what counts... (approximately every 10th person in Estonia is declared disabled)

Older generation of Estonians are so weak and most of them sick. And I think it`s not just the age. It`s also the conditions they had to live in when they were younger. And they were working physically very hard. And now there`s strong consequences. They don`t live half as good as swedes or finnish elderly people for example. And yet they worked so hard. So much labour was put into moving the mountains and a silly little mouse was born. I have 2 grandmothers and I´m really glad that they have all the support of their children, otherwise I couldn`t even imagine how they would get by with this ridiculously small amount of money they get from the government. It`s sad! They deserve better!
Let`s take this man on the photo for example. He`s blind! The support money he get`s from this country is 2100 krouns pension and 600 for disability. And over 1000 krouns goes straightly back to the government for taxes. So he must live with 1500 krouns (100 euros) a month. How can that be possible?!? He had to do something to survive, so he started playing accordion on streets (He had to get permission from the government by the way). It`s considered as his business and according to the law he should pay taxes from this income as well. I mean...WHAT?!?

Monday, October 10, 2005

Not giving up?!

After regaining independence, estonians started their struggling road through unstable economy. Stratifaction of society strongly increased causing general tensions. Average lifetime decreased. Appearance of unemployment and loss of jobs was inevitable. Level of education was showing strong falling tendencies. The nation weakened. Entire population was constantly decreasing.
After 1995, the state started gradually developing. People were showing much stronger initiative. General state of life was getting better. Life in Estonia stayed relatively stable until 1998, when consequences of economical crisis in Russia declined again the rate of employment. Fortunately the nation was strong enough to get out of that "hole" after 2 years of struggle. Estonians are known as hardworkers.
Now they(we) have joined European Union. It has it`s pros and cons, but I see it as slowly giving up our independence. Differences between social classes have become so big. Expenditure wins over income. Poverty rate is too high, 35% of the population. It`s getting extremely expensive to live here, for some even impossible

ego trip

Well..here I am. 22-year-old audiovisual media student from Estonia - trying to figure out what am I doing here.
I´ve tried several times to leave this country and somehow it just doesn`t work that way. Once I made it to england, but returned after half a year. Estonia is beautiful, it`s my home, it`s my family... and yet, in my eyes, the country is still so miserable. I`m going to try to go away again next year. Maybe I can keep myself away from here at least a year, and then, when I come back, perhaps everything here in Estonia will look better and more developed. This is how I see it from here...